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Alright, how do I start this. Hiro is attracted to both men & women. Like, he would honestly bone Sophie-Anne if he could. But his primary interest & focus is on Gota. & this is where it gets difficult because Hiro's feelings for Gota are v. complex. Yes, he does find Gota attractive- extremely attractive. He watched Gota grow up to be this devastatingly handsome psychopath & even though he wanted Gota to stop killing people, there was still this dirty thought inside of him that he found it incredibly arousing to see Gota covered in blood ( not his own blood though because that sucked ) but the fact that Gota had a power over other people in this way-- likening him to a god, etc god complex. He knows Gota, too; he knows what Gota is thinking most of the time because they've known each other since they were children. But he doesn't know everything.

Like he was extremely clingy to Gota back then too because Gota saved him & protected him from bullies. To him, they were the only two asterisks that mattered. Fuck everyone else. They were the special ones.

Then he ran away from AGEC & lost contact with Gota on the way, but it was necessary because his life turned into a game of survival. Because AGEC still considered him to be their property, but that doesn't mean he didn't think of Gota. It's why he helped Gota run away from the police, why he tried to get Gota to see he was being used.

& then of course he accidentally killed Gota. Which fucked him up a lot because to him Gota was the most important person in the world to him. With Gota, he didn't try to be as much of a troll-- he actually tried to be real with him, which is why he was devastated to the point where he couldn't even play games with Marika anymore. This how important Gota is to him. This is how much his death jarred him.

Then camp happens. First it was Hiro alone & then Gota came to camp & it was like Hiro was given a second chance to make things up to Gota. Because he has survivor's guilt. He managed to survive everything AGEC threw at him, but he couldn't save Gota. ( but he did manage to get what little revenge he could against Masamune's father, so point one for him ) So he made it a point to try & make Gota happy in camp. It's gotten to the point where he'll do anything for Gota. ANYTHING.

Yes, I did have to explain that all quickly because it ties into Hiro's attraction to Gota. His attraction & love for Gota borders on being psychotically obsessed with him, which is also related to his survivor's guilt. Like he will honestly kill anyone who tries anything with Gota, he will go to the ends of the earth & back to please Gota ( while also pleasing himself ). It's self interest in a way because his own sanity & peace of mind comes from Gota being content in camp. Yes, he still plays games with Gota but that's only because that's part of what their relationship is--- this give & take of mind games where they don't say things in a straightforward manner, but dance around the topic. But he honestly sees their time in camp as a second chance to make things right because even though it was an accident, he still feels guilty that he killed Gota. He thinks about how he could have maybe changed their positions, maybe fought harder. He blames himself continuously for this which makes him think that he doesn't deserve to have Gota in anyway. Not his friendship or his love. But he's also selfish, incredibly so.

He's so selfish that-- well, part of the reason he gave Marika his heart is that he wanted to save her, yes. ( I know I will probably be kicked for this because this was his 'redeeming moment' ) But it's also because he wanted to be the one she was indebted to, he wanted to scar his presence into her, he wanted to be special to her in some way so that he wouldn't die alone without anyone to remember him by. So he did it for her, but he also did it for himself. It's nothing so self-sacrificial as it seems. I'm not saying he didn't have good intentions, but, again, he's selfish. Selfish enough to never say no to being in a relationship with Gota because he'll take what he can get when it comes to him.

But he also knows that Gota feels guilty too & that makes him feel even guiltier at times. He doesn't say anything about it though because he doesn't want to ruin this tentative peace they have with each other.

Let me actually finally get to the point here: Hiro's desire for Gota goes beyond just a simple boner. It's intertwined with love, guilt, obsession, mind games & violence. He gets off on it when Gota is rough with him, when he bites him or scratches him up. He feels more alive than he's ever felt when he's pushing yet at the same time pulling with Gota in a conversation or argument. He absolutely loves it when Gota makes him chase after him too. In a way, it's not really about sex as it is about the eventual culmination of feelings that happen-- & it's only with Gota that this happens with too. So his fantasies verge on incredibly graphic violence, maybe some blood play & a lot of dominance/submission games.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

goes beyond just a simple boner

I'm only here for this

now I'm going to reread this essay for a fourth time \o/

I JUST KEPT WRITING & BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE END I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD I'M TOO LAZY.

HOW IS THIS LAZY

I COULD HAVE WRITTEN MORE

THEN WRITE IT, DAMN YOU

BUT I AM LE TIRED.

THEN TAKE A NAP, THEN WRITE